How to Deal with Grief and Loss
We are currently towards the end of week 5/6 depending on location, of the coronavirus quarantine. It feels like we can finally start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. As a society, however, there are challenges that we should be gearing up to face as guidelines begin to ease.
Statistically, by the end of all of this, you will have come in contact with the Coronavirus either directly or indirectly. With such a widespread impact, losing a loved one may be inevitable.
In the last two months my family has experienced five deaths seemingly in succession; two of which were coronavirus related. Because of the timing of the passings, we did not have an opportunity to properly grieve everyone.
Across America, the few memorial services that are being held are being done with strict social distancing guidelines. Families are being left without the typical outlet of a proper funeral to facilitate their grieving process. In these extenuating circumstances, there is value in knowing what you can go through while grieving. As well as how you may be able to better facilitate the process for yourself.
The Five Stages of Grief
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross developed the five stages of grief model. It explains what it is people experience when we go through loss. Her model identifies denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the main stages or phases we go through while grieving. Keep in mind that the grieving process, is a healing process.
Denial
This stage helps you to survive the loss. You deny your reality. You numb yourself to what you are experiencing and try to carry on business as usual. The goal in this stage is to just get through each day. Ross believed that this stage is nature’s way of helping you cope, by not allowing you to get overwhelmed.
Anger
Anger is an essential part of the healing process. You get through your anger at the loss of someone by leaning into the fact that you are angry. You must be willing and able to feel your anger. Your anger during this stage can present itself in a variety of different ways.
You may engage in projecting, putting your feelings on to someone or something else. You may also get upset over things that normally would not elicit a vitriol response from you. Anger is a response to the pain someone begins to feel once the denial wears off; and reality starts to sink in. Do not be afraid to be upset. Real healing comes when you allow yourself to properly explore all that comes with your anger. It’s also important to note here, that while you are experiencing anger in response to a loss, that you also don’t allow yourself to be enveloped by your anger. It’s just a phase, you must let it pass.
Bargaining
Bargaining presents itself as a desired escape from reality. We wrestle with “if then” and “what if” statements and try to quantify the loss in deeds. It is almost a state of delusion.
You long for a return to normal and run through scenarios in your mind that you think may bring your loved one back and or ease your pain in some capacity or to some degree. You may vacillate through the other stages while bargaining, as well as bear the weight of guilt. The thrust of bargaining in the midst of processing a loss is that all we want is for the hurting to stop.
Depression
Depression is a normal part of grieving and loss. Again, it’s just a phase, and no matter how long it takes for you to get through it… you will. Some of the ways depression tends to present itself includes: a flattened affect, low energy or lethargy, self-doubt, self-blame, catastrophizing, isolationism and similar feelings and dispositions.
It’s important that while in this stage, you allow yourself the time necessary to explore and understand your depression; and not be ostracized by it. Don’t be afraid to seek outside help as well. Don’t feel as though you must go through any of this alone.
Acceptance
Acceptance is you finally acknowledging your new reality. This is when you learn to live with your new life. The adjustment may be difficult at first, but you learn to manage. This does not mean that you do not miss your loved one(s); but you learn how to live without them and miss them at the same time.
This will most likely be a gradual process as you must acclimate to a new normal. Do not neglect your needs during this time. It’s important to be in tune with your feelings and be able to process them reasonably. This can look like anything from more private time, joining support groups, therapy, or leaning into already existing relationships.
How to Grieve Well
Typically, a funeral can usher us in and or through these stages of grief. It is important that if you find yourself experiencing a loss, that you can acknowledge your grief. Do not be afraid to ask yourself: “Am and grieving and if so what stage of grief do I think I’m in?”. It’s possible for you to experience this process insidiously, not even knowing that it’s happening. Additionally, the onset of grief doesn’t have to exclusively come from the death of a person. You can grieve the loss of a pet, an object, a place, or anything that is of relative significant value to you.
By knowing what you are experiencing, you are recognizing your emotions and mental state of being. When you know where you are, you can begin to change how you are. You may want to ask yourself instead of what stage of grief am I in; what stage of healing am I in? Controlling the narrative can be a good way to self-manage and facilitate personal healing.
Grieving well requires that you are honest with yourself and your loved ones. It means that you are willing to express, but also challenge your emotions. It also means that you do not rush through these phases while at the same time not getting stuck in any one particular phase either. Grief is about transition. You are transitioning from what was to what is. Everything and everyone decays and eventually dies. You grieve effectively when you allow the grieving process to be the vehicle that transports you to a new reality.
When I grieve, historically I tend to spend a lot of time in the denial and depression stages. By pinpointing where I am, I allow myself to be found.
That is what grieving well is: acknowledging that you need time to heal. And putting yourself in a position that gives both the time and resources necessary to do so.
Grief and loss is a part of life and has been magnified by the coronavirus pandemic. Knowing what to expect while grieving and being able to grieve well by being cognizant of yourself while you go through the stages of grief, will create the space for a better more fulfilling healing process.
Updated June 13, 2024.
Originally published April 24, 2020.
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