A Letter to the Friends that I No Longer Have
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I was going to write and publish an article on President Richard Nixon. I probably still will. So consider this part one to that I guess. I am writing this because as I was thinking about writing that, the word “gauntlet” came up and I became self-conscious. You all probably don’t care anymore. And I am not going on any further than that, but I want to speak my peace because as of right now, I am still haunted by that, and I am not sure if I will ever not be.
In hindsight I stand by my decision, and I always will. I think about you all though, I think about that imagery, I think about my stand in, I think about my inspiration, and I wonder. I’ve never had this conversation with him, and I never will unless he brings it up. Most of you will probably never see this. Those of you who do may know exactly what I am referring to, others may have an idea. I’m not going into specifics because of the nature of what Life with Ken is.
At the end of the day a fair amount of you may never know what it’s like to make the decisions that I had to make during those times. I also apologize because power at its finest only amplifies who you are, and at the time I was a mess. Prior to the moments in question I just finished being incapacitated. I care to tell this story because I still care about all of you and wish we were still in contact, and close, and did life together, and that nothing ever had to change. But this is the real world and things change.
I was so insecure for so many reasons back then. I’d be a better person to you all now. Truthfully you all wouldn’t have the pleasure of getting to know me now if I was the today me then. So in a way you’re welcome. There are some things that I refuse to talk about and never will. I’m not a loser, nor do I care to be. I am a winner. I created winners. Right now in part because of me we are all winning. So again, you’re welcome. I have a hard time letting things go sometimes. I put a lot of blame on myself sometimes.
It's difficult for me to make peace with the conclusion because I wish the conclusion was more to my liking. Don’t worry I fucked some other shit up after this and confused a different group of young minds for 7 weeks straight. That’s what I do best I guess. Not fuck things up but rather do things differently. Why is it so wrong for me to disdain things that are meaningless? Why is it so wrong for me to advocate for Jesus Christ? Why is it so wrong for me to want to be famous, rich, a player, happy, and resourceful? Why is it so wrong for me to want to be progressive, to be a leader, to make broad sweeping decisions, and to have a position worthy of the $100K of debt that I am in?
That I don’t understand.
I also don’t understand why I am not understood. Why is it wrong for me to have dreams and to have big ones at that? Why are your dreams so small? Who told you that you couldn’t accomplish more. Maybe it’s my fault for being associated with you. Jesus couldn’t bless his own people; their lack of faith blocked his ability. I wonder if Nathanael ever saw Jesus cast demons out, rebuke the Sadducees and Pharisees, turn water into wine, feed 5000 people, or bring the dead back to life? I’m on a mission to become someone. Not because I need to be someone but because I want to be, and that’s the direction my life is heading in. Going in-depth any more than this would be fruitless.
The bottom line is I am sorry for my insecurity. I am sorry for my ******** during that period of time. I am not that person anymore and I never should have been that person in the first place. I will not speak of this again. Prayerfully I will be haunted a little less by the period of time being referred to. I love and care for you all and maybe that’s wrong of me. I can’t guarantee I’ll be helpful in the future. I wish I had someone genuine praying to Jesus for and with me. I don’t trust most people. If our paths never cross again so be it. If they do and I don’t fuck with you so be it. If they do and you don’t fuck with me maybe I’ll sleep better that night.
Healing can be dirty work. Buy my book when it comes out. To those friends and associates that I still have, stick with me. My story just might work out, you just may see a miracle, and it just may make you a believer. While these words are infamous they ring true; to quote Aaron Hernandez, “If it is to be it is up to me.”
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